1. All That Reproductive Freedom. In today’s progressive times, women get to choose whether to deliver their rapist’s baby at home with a midwife, or in a hospital. Likewise, when undergoing IVF treatment, females can decide whether to implant all of their frozen children in one go, or to carry them to term one at a time over several years until they are all used up. (Gentle reminder: Any leftovers may result in multiple murder charges, so better make it quick, ladies!)  

2. Equal(ish) Pay. In 2002, the average woman earned 80 cents on the dollar for doing the same job as a man. In the 22 years since, that number has skyrocketed to 82 cents! Y’all can buy your own damn drinks from now on. 

3. No Further Need to Buy Contraceptives. Making less money (see #2) can be tough on women, especially single moms, and no one knows that better than white men over 60. That’s why they’re working to relieve women of the financial burden of buying contraceptives by banning them. Ladies’ pocket money will be much better spent on all those precious babies!

4. That ‘Me Too’ Crap. Thanks to the #MeToo movement, men now get fined millions of dollars for so much as forcing a friendly penis into a lady friend in the Bergdorf Goodman dressing room. Happy now, bitches? 

5. Better Living Through Science. Awesome medical advances like face fillers and Botox now make it possible (and let's face it, mandatory) for women to remain smokin’ hot for menfolk well into their 80s. What a time to be alive, amirite?

6. Voting Rights. Just over a century ago, women were not allowed to vote in presidential elections. Today, they can cast their presidential votes for any man they choose.

7. Balanced Division of Household Labor. Women were once responsible for all household chores, but in 2024, they only perform 65% of unpaid domestic labor—including cleaning, cooking and child-rearing—while also holding down full-time jobs. Fair. And. Square.

8. Boobs!

9. Women Can Be Anything. Career options for women were once limited to Town Prostitute or School Marm, but now, girls can grow up to be CEOs at 10.4% of Fortune 500 companies. 

10. Eternal Boners. In decades past, when a man’s downstairs parts started going floppy, brother, that was that! But now, Viagra and other ED miracle drugs can provide four hours of nonstop pounding for years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years to come. You’re welcome.

(Image by Pixabay: lechenie-narkomanii)