[Javier, my estate manager, looks up from his task of milking a young reindeer just long enough to wave you through the iron gate. As you exit your vehicle and make your way to the front porch, you can’t help but notice the 30-foot-tall evergreen tree—as yet unadorned—standing in the courtyard. I fling open the French doors and greet you with open arms.]
Ho-ho-hello! It’s so wonderful to see you again! It’s been ages since we last got together for a cup of cheer, and to be honest, I blame myself. I was just so busy managing the landscape redesign team all summer long, and since October, I’ve done nothing but direct the holiday décor preparations for the upcoming yuletide. It’s been exhausting! You probably noticed that our majestic blue spruce—we had it specially flown in from Colorado—is still sans adornments. Don’t even get me started on that, it’s taking simply forever for those ladies in Ukraine to find the correct grade of gold leafing for the handmade ornaments. I wish those Etsy sellers would take a moment to consider what other people are going through. Here it is, late November, and our tree remains bare and shivering out in the cold!
But let’s not dwell on our frustrations—it’s almost Christmas! Just yesterday, I received the gift I’ve been waiting for all year: The 2024 Wine Enthusiast Holiday Catalog. I wanted to dive into it immediately, of course, but since I knew you’d be joining me by the hearth today, I laid it aside, unopened. What do you say we ask Allistair to make us some of his famous Caymus-laced hot cocoa, topped with a just a dollop of fresh reindeer milk foam, whilst we peruse its silken pages for treasures?
15" Wine Master Santa
Price: $79.95
Copy: This 15" Santa is great for the wine lover. He is dressed in a gorgeous red coat with a tapestry design. A glass of wine is in his one hand. In the other arm he is holding a basket filled with bottles of wine and grapes. He is also holding a sign which says "Wine List" listing different types of wines. His face and boots are resin. His fluffy beard is soft lamb’s wool. His arms are wired making him poseable.
Tina’s take: After six attempts and nine years of his life, St. Nick has finally passed the Master Sommelier exam! He was hoping for a cushy brand ambassador position, but instead, all he could land was the somm/dishwasher job at Fondue Hut. Behold Santa’s sumptuous brocade coat and matching hat! His totally predicable Francophile wine list! The smirk of contempt on his face as he begrudgingly interfaces with customers! The best part? His arms are wired, so you can pose him against a wall in the alley behind the restaurant as he attempts to score some mid-shift blow from the busboy (blow and busboy sold separately).
Crafthouse by Fortessa Cocktail Smoking Box
Price: $299
Copy: Simply prepare your drink or food, set it in the middle of the box, and close the doors. The handheld smoker, which neatly keeps the wood chips inside, easily connects to an opening beneath the box. Just start with a little smoke, and slowly release more as needed to create your perfect smoked cocktail or food item.
Tina’s Take: It’s actually kind of cool when you order a fancy cocktail in a hipster bar and it arrives in a little glass box filled with smoke. As the server opens the tiny door and hands you the glass, the fragrant vapor wafts from the container like mist swirling around tombstones in a graveyard. Fun! As much as I enjoy a bit of culinary theater, though, I can tell you right now that I never, ever find myself wishing that I could smoke my own drinks at home. Just who am I trying to impress? Are there really people willing to spend $300 to smoke their own food and drinks in their sad Ikea kitchens? (By the way, what IS that thing in the product photo? An egg in a bird’s nest? Is smoked sparrow yolk a thing right now at some trendy restaurant in Brooklyn?) Listen, if your latest Tinder date invites you in for a nightcap—especially if he calls it a nightcap—and then proceeds to spend 90 minutes lighting twigs in a smoker-box contraption before handing you a drink that tastes like it spent the last two weeks camping at the KOA, politely play the diarrhea card and get the hell out of there. You’ll thank me the next time you see that guy—most likely on the latest episode of “Dateline.”
Wine Enthusiast Men’s Performance Pique Logo Polo Shirt
Price: “as low as” $49.99
Copy: Our signature polo is made for active gentlemen who appreciate the practicality of a moisture-wicking, antimicrobial shirt. Made from a stylish pique polyester, it’s sewn to last and offers a more sophisticated look and better breathability than a jersey polo.
Tina’s take: This nondescript polo shirt looks like the sort of thing employees are forced to wear while manning the Wine Enthusiast booth at the Crap Wine Accessories Expo. Beholding its navy blandness instantly triggers flashbacks to my days of working wine trade shows. The only thing better than having to dress like a golf bro while fending off predatory salesdouches (see photo) was being mistaken for part of the cleaning staff whenever I ventured outside my company’s booth to cry in the nearest bathroom. Good times. But don’t let my bitter musings deter you from buying this awesome shirt in all of its moisture-wicking, anti-microbial glory. When you get laid off from your tech job you can always score a sweet gig hawking bedazzled “Wine Slut” t-shirts at next year’s expo. See you there, buddy.
Series Treble Decanter-William Script Design
Price: $94.99 (marked down from $139)
Copy: Introducing the Art Series Decanters. This new collection of limited-edition decanters were designed (sic) exclusively for Wine Enthusiast and bring (sic) a sophisticated style to wine decanting at an attractive price. The Treble Decanter, part of the new designer series, doubles as a sophisticated centerpiece.
Tina’s take: If you loved the Cobra/Colon decanter featured in the 2022 Eye Roller’s Guide, you’ll covet the Treble even more—because it’s even MORE breakable! With its delicate, swan-like neck and curlicue tail, this vessel might as well be made from the gossamer wings of newly emerged butterflies. You’re 100% going to break this within the week, but don’t let that get you down. We’re already working on an even better design for next year! Set for release just in time for the 2025 holiday season, the Crackle Decanter will arrive PRE-BROKEN for your convenience! No dustpan or whisk broom needed; simply open the beautifully packaged box of shards and dump the contents directly into the trash.
Wine Enthusiast Acacia and White Marble Puzzle Board Set of 4
Price: $99
Copy: Piece together a unique spread every time you host with our Acacia Wood and Marble Puzzle Serving Set. Each puzzle board inspires you to play and create enticing new presentations. Connect them in a square or in a line for a classic tablescape, or place them individually throughout your table to serve various small bites. For larger gatherings, expand your serving capacity (and your imagination) by combining two or more sets. Each piece is crafted from solid acacia wood and cold white marble and can be placed in the fridge before guests arrive to keep cheese and other delectable hors d'oeuvres cool while entertaining.
Tina’s take: Puzzle me this: Why the hell would anyone want a cheeseboard with cutouts in it? You just know that you’re going to end up spending half the night managing that stupid board, rearranging grapes and bits of cheese that have fallen into the abyss and are totally ruining your “classic tablescape.” Just seeing this photo makes me anxious. Does this look like a nice arrangement to you, with precariously placed meats and little piles of fruit desperately huddling together to avoid all those cracks and giant gaps? No! It does not. Then they tell me I can use my so-called imagination to create different configurations, such as—are you ready to have your mind blown?—a line or a square. Who do these people think I am, Michelangelo? Look, if I wanted to play with puzzle pieces I wouldn’t be inviting over a bunch of people for “delectable hors d'oeuvres.” I would hunker down in my living room, alone, with an actual puzzle and eat food from a surface that doesn’t have fist-sized holes in it, like a normal person.
Recycled Snow Ski Tip and Tail Wine Rack
Price: $99
Copy: You don't have to be an expert skier to appreciate this innovative way to display your favorite wine using the tip and tail of an authentic snow ski. The bottles are stored upright to properly maintain the wine's integrity. This wine rack comes with two wine bottle holders, one tip and one tail of the same snow ski as well as the hardware to mount on the wall or just display it on a tabletop!
Tina’s take: Seriously, do we need to start a GoFundMe campaign to help the Wine Enthusiast Catalog publishers pay actual human writers? The bottles are “properly stored upright to maintain the wine’s integrity…” Doesn’t every single wine storage article in Wine Enthusiast tell you to always, under pain of death, lay wine bottles on their sides? Sweet Jesus! Even dumber than this ChatGPT-generated description is the product itself. Is there anyone on this planet who wants a wine bottle holder made of discarded ski parts? “Well, you know, Chad, I’ve been storing my extra wine in the oven because I just can’t find the right holder—one that not only stands the bottles upright and dries out the corks, but ALSO makes a bold statement about my love for winter sports!” Shred, on, friend-of-Chad. We’ve got you.
(Inspired by Drew Magary's always hilarious "Hater's Guide to the Williams Sonoma Catalog")
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